We are losing Esther. Life happened – all good life, just unexpected. Crazy. La vida loca. We have that in common, Esther and I.
Yesterday, I was reading a passage from The Web That Has No Weaver by Ted Kaptchuk:
"In Chinese thought, events and phenomena unfold through a kind of spontaneous cooperation, an inner dynamic in the nature of things. Wang Cong (c.27-100 C.E.), the great Taoist scientist, philosopher, and skeptic, describes the inner working of the universe as follows:
"The way to Heaven is to take no action. Therefore in the spring it does not act to start life, in summer it does not act to help grow, in autumn it does not act to bring maturity, and in winter it does not act to store up. When the …. Yang comes forth itself, things naturally come to life and grow. When the …. Yin arises of itself, things naturally mature and are stored up …. Originally no result is sought, and yet results are achieved …."
If this is true, Heaven is out of reach for me. Does "take no action" mean NO action? How do things get done? This totally confuses me. Like "Life happens while you are busy making other plans." It’s true in my life so far, and apparently in Esther’s, but I don’t get how to make that work for me.
I’m making plans, being a human doing, stirring the pot, goals in hand, results visualized… then life whips me around and pushes me through an open door where I wasn’t even knocking. Surprise doors like moving to Key West, marrying Hal, motherhood, REALTOR®-hood, owning a business, moving to Costa Rica and a million other doors in-between. I didn’t plan ANY of this. My plan was to become a famous movie star and marry Sean Penn. How did I get here? I like here, I’m just wondering how I got here without being in charge of it.
It’s time to stop being a human doing and become a human being. I’m getting to work on that. It’s part of my five-year plan.
And therein lies the rub. Isn’t working on becoming "doing"? Clearly I have no idea how to get there from here. The answer is locked away in the Tao, in What The Bleep Do We Know!?, in the metaphysical universe somewhere. I’d like to trick life into thinking I have an idea of what is really going on, so I can be part of the "in the know" crowd, have some idea about what is going to happen next. Is there an "in the know" crowd? If it’s just made up of those monks who never talk, I’m going to have to stay with the "in the dark" crowd.
I find it ironic that yesterday I have Deep Thoughts about life pushing me around, and this morning Esther tells me that, out of the blue, she has an opportunity to work in The U.S. for 3 years. To make gobs of money that will allow her to buy a house here, maybe a car, provide good schooling for her two children. Two children she must leave with her husband’s parents (and her parents who live right around the corner) while mommy and daddy are away.
I am definitely going to quit whining about my petty little problems. That’s also in my 5 year plan.
Esther’s opportunity came up Tuesday night. Yesterday she spent the day getting her passport and rearranging her life. Sunday, she moves her kids and her stuff to San Jose to her parent’s house. Next Friday, she leaves for Garland, TX. Seven months there, 2 months home, 9 months there, 2 months home, 7 months there, then home for good. Until la vida loca steps in again.
She spent our hour together telling me (in Spanish) how she has her whole appointment book filled in, a life planned here. And with one phone call, it’s all moot. Erased. I felt like I was talking to myself. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
And isn’t it ironic that she is going to the U.S. to make gobs of money while I came here so that my tiny bit of money would seem like gobs? Gobs to Costa Ricans and gobs to us are two ENTIRELY different things. I’ve had gobs of money in the U.S. You can hardly enjoy your gobs there because you are so worried about where you are going to get gobs more.
An epiphany is imminent. I feel one coming on, like a sneeze. Time for a nap.
Yo sigo la muchacha de ensueño,